Easter 2020 was a strange one! With COVID-19, we obviously didn’t go to church or to be with our families. We stayed hunkered down in our home! The morning started out with another thunderstorm (that freaked Baxter out!), the sun came out for a little bit, then a cold front blew through, bringing a ton of wind + clouds. We kept it low-key, getting Emery dressed in his little outfit, snapped some photos, then did a ton of play throughout the day.
Around 4pm, we drove out to the cemetery to visit my mom’s grave. I have been out there since her burial, but Anthony had not. Unfortunately it was so cold that we didn’t stay long, but it felt good to be near her earthly body. They recently laid sod down so grass will be growing in no time at all. My dad + Eric have picked out the perfect headstone, but I’m not sure when my dad will be able to order it.
We stopped by Clark Crew BBQ on our way back to the house for some traditional Easter BBQ. 🙂
Sassy got him this bunny last Easter. I’m so thankful he is loving it lately! The quilt hanging on the back of the rocker my mom also made. This kid loves his puppy!He’s into the fake laugh right now!Easter sensory bin playEaster sensory bin play
Anthony’s out of town again (surprise, surprise!) for Emery’s first true snow day (he was such a tiny thing when it snowed in 2018/2019). It was sweet to get some photos of both Baxter + Emery. E wanted *nothing* to do with that cold, white stuff on the ground!
This is such a boxer stance + it kills me every time!I’m glad I was able to capture him galloping through the snow!
I started grieving the loss of my mom long before she made the decision to go on hospice. I distinctly remember having multiple conversations with my staff + fellow co-workers about her ultimate passing. She had surgery on August 20, 2019, where there were two outcomes. On the CT scan, there were two areas of concern – one under her liver, the other on her colon. If those were indeed cancerous spots, then no surgery (both the team wouldn’t know until they opened her up). If it wasn’t cancerous, then a full hysterectomy + possibly parts of her bowels removed.
We were told that we would know about 45 minutes after she was rolled back to the OR – we’d either see Dr. Moxley or we’d get a call from the nurse in the OR to let us know surgery was happening.
For whatever reason, I asked Anthony to go down to the cafeteria with me right around that mark. I believe that was God’s way of leading me away, though I wish more than anything that I had been in the waiting room when Moxley came out to talk to the family. After going in laparoscopically, she realized that there was cancer under the liver, + she couldn’t operate. Dr. Moxley did remove most of her omentum which was completely full of tumor + had moved across her abdominal cavity (the omentum is a fatty apron-like part that drapes in front of the stomach + small intestines.)
When she was finally rolled into her room on the oncology floor at OU Medical Center, the first thing she asked me is what happened. I told her they removed the omentum + that’s it. She was still coming out of anesthesia, but she had the foresight to ask, “then what the fuck did she do?”. I started laughing at that point, because this is so my mom. She was in pain, obviously, from being cut opened, but that wasn’t going to stop her humor from coming through!
Not long after she got home from the hospital, she went downhill fairly quickly. She wasn’t able to drink much, so she ended up becoming dehydrated regularly. I think about every 8 days we were back at OU for her to get fluids. At some point within this time frame, her doctor finally got her on home health, where a nurse would come by the house to give her fluids. This helped her out tremendously.
Sometime around the beginning of September, I knew in my heart of hearts that the cancer was just too far gone, that she wouldn’t be recovering from this. I held off planning Emery’s first birthday, as I wanted my mom to be present for his party. I figured I could throw any date out there + our families would rally. Unfortunately we never got to have a party, but my mom did make it to his first birthday! That was my one wish, my goal for her to see him to a year. It seems so trivial now that she is gone.
The grieving process has been long, one that I know will continue for years to come. Many nights the dinner table is reminiscing about my mom, talking about my thoughts, sometimes re-living those final days. It’s therapeutic to have her at the dinner table with us. 🙂
I continue to pray that this little one growing inside me will have many of my mom’s attributes, that I will see my mom in her all the time. They will forever have a special bond, one that I hope will carry this sweet angel through life.
On December 22, 2019, early in the morning, my mom took her last breath, surrounded by my dad + my Aunt Carolyn. My mom waited for everyone to be out of her house – the dogs, the boys, my brothers, before she left this earth. She wanted peace.
Throughout my mom’s journey, my phone was by our bedside long after I didn’t need it anymore (no longer getting up in the middle of the night with Emery!). I would wake every morning a bit fearful of what I’d find on my home screen, especially the last few weeks. My dad called around 2:15am to let me know she was no longer with us. I didn’t know he called (phone was on silent), but Baxter started whining around 2:30am. He knew + wanted me to be aware. I will forever be grateful for him, for his “warning” then he’s desire to not leave my side.
In the morning, we drove to Shawnee to be with my dad. To give him support + help him in any way that he needed. I didn’t realize that we would be heading to the funeral home to make arrangements, but Mark, Eric, my dad, + I did. We got to see her body, she had such a beautiful smirk on her face!
Christmas Eve has always been the Nicklas holiday. I had no idea how I would make it through the day, without my mom at the table with us. Christmas Eve morning I woke up feeling incredibly crummy – nauseous, fatigued, body aches. I rallied to attend Mass, but then came back to my parents house + crashed w/Emery in my parents bed. Come to find out, it was a bit of morning sickness mixed in with my body finally giving in to the exhaustion I felt for the weeks leading up to my mom’s passing. I felt terrible that I wasn’t able to participate in Christmas dinner, but it was a blessing in disguise that I didn’t feel well. Everyone went around the table telling their favorite memories of my mom. I’m appreciative of Anthony being there + having the foresight to record the memories. I’m not sure when I’ll be up for watching them, but I’m thankful to know they exist on his phone!
Mom’s funeral service was on Friday, December 27th. St. Benedict’s was packed to the brim of all the people that loved her + love her family. I had co-workers from the Y attend, people I attended high school with, my dad’s cousins, Anthony’s family (David, Vicki, Noah, Taylor, Grandmother, Aunt Sue, Aunt Debbie), customers of my dad’s pharmacy, long time friends, priests from the diocese, brothers from the Abbey, + a whole slew of others. I didn’t even get to see many of them, but reading through the guest book brought me tears. My mom was absolutely loved.
After the funeral + luncheon at the church, we drove up to Resurrection Cemetery in OKC to lay her to body to rest. It was a cold, blistery December day with the sun peaking out every once in awhile. Father Don Wolf gave the final blessing before her body was lowered.
I had to wear a pop of color to the funeral, as I know my mom would have expected from me! I also wore the ring that my dad gave her for some big anniversary – the one thing that she was adamant about me getting. I felt extra close to her, having it on my ring finger.
I am thankful that my dad had his two sisters + two brothers by his side, while his mom, dad, + other brother are buried right below where we were standing. It’s special that my mom wanted to be buried near his family – they took her in + accepted her as their family.
Philip, Jane, Daniel, Carolyn, + David
Rest in peace, Sassy! We love you, we miss you, + you are always on our minds.
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